Removed pt2

img_4067I felt lost.  God had asked me to step back from everything I was passionate about.  I struggled to see how this fit in to my church and my life.  Saying “no” at every turn was so unlike me and yet, as I withdrew, my focus moved to my family.  My full term baby was born with underdeveloped lungs.  My husband needed a more devoted wife.  My children were growing with lightning speed.  My reluctant obedience became a blessing as God removed all of the extra things in my life to focus on what I had.  What remained was my original calling, to be a wife and mother.

For four years, they have been my sole focus and my soul focus.    My baby girl healed beautifully after a NICU stay.  Our family transitioned through job changes and moving twice.   My husband and I committed to building a stronger marriage. I am so thankful for the time I had to tend to their lives, helping them adjust to numerous changes.

Throughout that time, I waited for my passion for women’s ministry to die.  I felt that if my calling was temporary and God didn’t want me to pursue it, the yearning would just cease. That never happened.  I missed bonding with and teaching the women of my church desperately, but I knew my greater calling was with my family.

Our most recent transition to from Virginia to Louisiana was the true test of my path as a wife and mother.  Investing in my loved ones, keeping my attitude in check, and building a home in a new place brought me to my knees with the realization that “God’s got this”. All of this.  My four year hiatus was a preparation for our move and what I would encounter in the bayou.

In Exodus 2, Jochebed placed her baby in the basket with the full knowledge that “God’s got this”.  She knew God wouldn’t work until she let go.  He had greater things in store for what she so dearly loved and wanted to hold on to.  Jochebed had no idea the call God would place before her son.  I had no idea what God was going to do with this passion that I had abandoned, but still burned within me. It wasn’t until we moved to Louisiana that he began to give me glimpses of what was to come.

to be continued…


Removed pt.1

me-and-c-2“But when she could no longer hide him, she got a papyrus basket for him and coated it with asphalt and pitch. She placed the child in it and set it among the reeds by the bank of the Nile.”   Exodus 2:3

Throughout my journey with God, I have felt his yes and no answers.  I say felt because His voice is not audible, but more or less a pounding in my soul.  He told me yes when I prayed about marrying my husband.  He told me no when I was a part of a church that I needed to move from.  Sometimes the obedience is easy.  I desired to marry my husband.  My heart loved him deeply.  I felt God leading me away from that church and calling me to somewhere different.

In my journey, there have been times where God’s no was not welcome.  Obedience was the last thing I wanted.  The sacrifice was too great.  Four years ago, I was living and breathing “Women’s Ministry” in my church.  I enjoyed leading Bible Studies and speaking before groups of women.  I was passionate about breathing God’s truth into the lives of women, that He is greater than all of their struggles through womanhood, marriage, and parenting.

Upon expecting our fourth child, God pressed in on me to give it all up.  He asked me to lay down all that I felt called to do.  Give it all to him.  Its as if I had to relinquish my deeply loved child, as Jochebed surrendered Moses to the reeds that day.

I cannot imagine her pain.  I dare say she made that basket and placed him in it with a smile on her face.  I mean, aren’t there crocodiles?  What if the Pharaoh did find him?  Would he die anyway?   Hebrews 11:23 says that Moses parents hid him for three months because they did not fear the king’s edict that all baby boys must be killed.  They are mentioned in Hebrews 11, known as the Heroes of Faith.  If they weren’t afraid of the edict, then they must have had complete peace about placing their beloved infant in that basket.

God, what about my gift, my calling, my passion?  Why would you give this to me only to take it all away?  Remove it he did. Every last bit.

to be continued…